How did it happen that I exchanged a painful period for writer's block? I was full steam ahead as long as I was thinking I was outrunning endo pain... then, that train never came and I just stopped. I didn't just stop writing, I stopped "intensely" caring about anything having to do with my healing practice, herbs, flower essences, spirit guides - basically everything that I have invested the last decade of my life in.
Is this apathy?
What is this, and where am I?
Last I saw myself, I was wearing a bleeding heart and a ripped sense of self. Have you seen me?
I thought pain-free would mean that the things I love and care about would intensify and I would have all this free time to think about canning peaches and knitting pantsuits. I thought I'd write a book in a week and be invited to be on Oprah. I really thought that pain-free would be an orange smily face in the sky and I would be dancing in the streets with flowers in my hair. Maybe my dreams didn't really believe that I could heal. Maybe I didn't count on healing.
Okay, this is what I did:
1. I started having an infrared sauna everyday.
2. I stopped eating everything except organic meat and organic vegetables (this is not me writing in hyperbole - I'm really serious!)
3. I went to a Mayan spiritual healer three times.
4. I started talking to my uterus (maybe like six times in two months).
5. And, I told my partner that I was feeling really angry that for the past two and a half years we've been focusing on her fertility and sending positive thoughts to her uterus while my own uterus has felt neglected (okay, mostly neglected by me) and I have been secretly aching with the desire to be pregnant.
This seems like a reasonable amount of leverage to catapult me into timbuktu.
A dream revision:
Me without endometriosis is just me. Sometimes I am active, witty, and forward moving and sometimes I am inactive, dull, and stagnant. I am learning to see both sides of this orb - my life. Today, I am cranky and anxious. Can I find my body in all of this? Can I find my brilliance in the dull dull dull sky?
with love,
s
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Light as a Feather
It is Sunday and I am on the downhill slope of pain. I am elastic with happy--expanding in the ribs and taking it all in.
Today, I ate two chocolate truffles.
Rebel.
I am happy and tumbling towards green pastures of life with resounding laughter and youth. If only for this moment, let me be blind to all the edges--let the next moment retreat back into the dark woods. Let me just be here, this moment.
Later, I will tell you a story about the beginnings of endometriosis: whiskey, lust, dirt, blood. Later, a story about the beginnings of spirit guides: hospital, pneumonia, vomit, haunted rooms.
For now, a conversation with Seth, my spirit guide:
Me: Why do I have endometriosis? Genetic probability? Karma? Spiritual lesson?
Seth: And what do you believe? And what do you want out of this experience? Where is the portal hole for you? Will you walk into pain? Will you believe that there in infinite sweetness in this place that can feel so cold to you? Can you breathe in a place that promises nothing--that holds no light for your deliverance? What does it mean for you, dear s, to be here in ribs with a heart that's still beating? What do you want?
Me: I don't know what I want? Maybe softness, maybe a hand to hold, maybe someone to tell me that it's going to be okay. I want to collapse in some wise lap and be pet on my hair. I want to lay here in silence and watch the light crescent over the earth. I just want a full breath in peace.
Seth: And, what will you do now to have it? Will you ask someone to touch their hand to your face and tell you, "Sweet love, it will be okay?" Will you sit in a quiet place and let that be enough? Can you stop seeking and see that peace is not so far away. What is endometriosis? Maybe, a fair question is, what is endometriosis for you? Perhaps, a sweet salvation?
Me: Yes. Maybe. But, what do I do? I am so afraid of pain. It terrifies me. I want time to stop on days like today. I just want to be here, frozen, heels in the ground. I want to resist the next moment that might change the way I feel in my body. I don't want to feel pain.
Seth: It is not easy, s. It is not easy to lay the body down for this wind called pain. But, you cannot fight the weather. You cannot demand the sun to shine and the rain to hide. You can warm yourself and be kind to yourself. You can prepare for a storm. This is your relationship to pain right now. You cannot stop a force of nature just because you will it to disappear. It is a wild force of nature, pain. You must be wise, prepare and not fear. How to do this? Ask yourself, what do you need in a storm? The shelter of strong. Find this in human companionship. You need the warmth of fire. Find this in the fire of your heart. Write stories. Read stories. Laugh. Build fires. Sit in blankets. Give to yourself. You see, when you stop wishing pain away, you can use your efforts to prepare. When you are prepared, you can sit. And when you sit, you will listen to the wind. What is the wind pain telling you?
Me: Is the wind telling me to write?
Seth: The wind is telling you a story. Be light in your body and the wind will take you. Let the pain take you to a new place--an unexpected place. No resistance. Lay your head down. The wind will carry you.
Me: I'm scared.
Seth: But, the pain is not. Give your fear to pain and watch it burn into ash.
Today, I ate two chocolate truffles.
Rebel.
I am happy and tumbling towards green pastures of life with resounding laughter and youth. If only for this moment, let me be blind to all the edges--let the next moment retreat back into the dark woods. Let me just be here, this moment.
Later, I will tell you a story about the beginnings of endometriosis: whiskey, lust, dirt, blood. Later, a story about the beginnings of spirit guides: hospital, pneumonia, vomit, haunted rooms.
For now, a conversation with Seth, my spirit guide:
Me: Why do I have endometriosis? Genetic probability? Karma? Spiritual lesson?
Seth: And what do you believe? And what do you want out of this experience? Where is the portal hole for you? Will you walk into pain? Will you believe that there in infinite sweetness in this place that can feel so cold to you? Can you breathe in a place that promises nothing--that holds no light for your deliverance? What does it mean for you, dear s, to be here in ribs with a heart that's still beating? What do you want?
Me: I don't know what I want? Maybe softness, maybe a hand to hold, maybe someone to tell me that it's going to be okay. I want to collapse in some wise lap and be pet on my hair. I want to lay here in silence and watch the light crescent over the earth. I just want a full breath in peace.
Seth: And, what will you do now to have it? Will you ask someone to touch their hand to your face and tell you, "Sweet love, it will be okay?" Will you sit in a quiet place and let that be enough? Can you stop seeking and see that peace is not so far away. What is endometriosis? Maybe, a fair question is, what is endometriosis for you? Perhaps, a sweet salvation?
Me: Yes. Maybe. But, what do I do? I am so afraid of pain. It terrifies me. I want time to stop on days like today. I just want to be here, frozen, heels in the ground. I want to resist the next moment that might change the way I feel in my body. I don't want to feel pain.
Seth: It is not easy, s. It is not easy to lay the body down for this wind called pain. But, you cannot fight the weather. You cannot demand the sun to shine and the rain to hide. You can warm yourself and be kind to yourself. You can prepare for a storm. This is your relationship to pain right now. You cannot stop a force of nature just because you will it to disappear. It is a wild force of nature, pain. You must be wise, prepare and not fear. How to do this? Ask yourself, what do you need in a storm? The shelter of strong. Find this in human companionship. You need the warmth of fire. Find this in the fire of your heart. Write stories. Read stories. Laugh. Build fires. Sit in blankets. Give to yourself. You see, when you stop wishing pain away, you can use your efforts to prepare. When you are prepared, you can sit. And when you sit, you will listen to the wind. What is the wind pain telling you?
Me: Is the wind telling me to write?
Seth: The wind is telling you a story. Be light in your body and the wind will take you. Let the pain take you to a new place--an unexpected place. No resistance. Lay your head down. The wind will carry you.
Me: I'm scared.
Seth: But, the pain is not. Give your fear to pain and watch it burn into ash.
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