How did it happen that I exchanged a painful period for writer's block? I was full steam ahead as long as I was thinking I was outrunning endo pain... then, that train never came and I just stopped. I didn't just stop writing, I stopped "intensely" caring about anything having to do with my healing practice, herbs, flower essences, spirit guides - basically everything that I have invested the last decade of my life in.
Is this apathy?
What is this, and where am I?
Last I saw myself, I was wearing a bleeding heart and a ripped sense of self. Have you seen me?
I thought pain-free would mean that the things I love and care about would intensify and I would have all this free time to think about canning peaches and knitting pantsuits. I thought I'd write a book in a week and be invited to be on Oprah. I really thought that pain-free would be an orange smily face in the sky and I would be dancing in the streets with flowers in my hair. Maybe my dreams didn't really believe that I could heal. Maybe I didn't count on healing.
Okay, this is what I did:
1. I started having an infrared sauna everyday.
2. I stopped eating everything except organic meat and organic vegetables (this is not me writing in hyperbole - I'm really serious!)
3. I went to a Mayan spiritual healer three times.
4. I started talking to my uterus (maybe like six times in two months).
5. And, I told my partner that I was feeling really angry that for the past two and a half years we've been focusing on her fertility and sending positive thoughts to her uterus while my own uterus has felt neglected (okay, mostly neglected by me) and I have been secretly aching with the desire to be pregnant.
This seems like a reasonable amount of leverage to catapult me into timbuktu.
A dream revision:
Me without endometriosis is just me. Sometimes I am active, witty, and forward moving and sometimes I am inactive, dull, and stagnant. I am learning to see both sides of this orb - my life. Today, I am cranky and anxious. Can I find my body in all of this? Can I find my brilliance in the dull dull dull sky?
with love,
s
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