It has been three months since I started the saunas and mayan spiritual healing. In those three months I have been almost pain free. However, in the last couple of days the old familiar knife up the ass sensation has returned. My mind is spinning. What has changed? What am I doing differently? All of a sudden I am less free and more rules. I am checking my bones...all there? I am checking, inventorying, assessing, and measuring.
Is it the bites of frozen yogurt I had? The nibble of chocolate? I skipped a few days in the sauna.
Is it going to be like this now? Always questioning. Is my freedom a mirage of conditions? If I follow the rules than I will be able to live pain free. Somehow, this irks me. Not knowing what controls the sleeping dragon, the endo, is frustrating.
So, today I will avoid sugar and dairy. I will sit in the sauna. I will take a long walk. I will try to feel roots under my feet. I will try to grow roots. I will try not to try so hard. I will let the soft belly of earth remind me to stay here - in my body - although I imagine it might feel good to be a bird.
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